Skyrim Shorts
by WaddlesThePenguin
Summary: Here are some Skyrim quests made funny. Join Gwen - the crazy Dragonborn - Lydia and Brambles the dog on a comedy adventure. Some quests done by CompanionWolf12 and Adz 99. WARNING! QUEST/QUESTLINE SPOILERS! Rated T because it's Skyrim. DANGER! PREPARE YOURSELF FOR INTENSE FITS OF LAUGHTER!
1. Short 1

**Conjuration Ritual Quest by WaddlesThePenguin**

**Author's Note: Hi! If you didn't read the description, then this is a Skyrim comedy. The other three authors working on this and I just take a quest and make it hilarious. Just some info about the main character; an Imperial woman named Gwen. She's bonkers and crazy powerful in all skills. She is (obviously) the Dragonborn. This quest (for those of you who do not know/are stupid) is a quest Phinis Gestor from the Mages' College once you get 90 conjuration. Phinis tells you to retrieve a Sigil Stone from an Unbound Dremora which you have to summon and defeat twice before it gives you one. Then you get a master conjuration spell tome from Phinis and you can buy three others. You also get use from the atronach forge in the Midden.**

**Ok, I'll get on with it now!**

**PS: The other three authors are We Did It For The Glory, CompanionWolf12 and Adz 99. Check them out!**

* * *

"Phinis! Phinis! I have some very very very very very very very very very very good news!" Gwen yelled, running up to the conjurer.  
"What child?" He said impatiently.  
"My conjuration skills peaked!" She said like an overexcited child. The man's eyes widened.  
"What?"  
"MY CONJURATION SKILLS PEAKED! I THINK YOU'RE GOING DEAF!" She yelled. Phinis rubbed his ears.  
"No, I was just surprised. How? You were only casting adept level spells yesterday!"  
"Well, I was building a sweetroll fortress with Lydia and I didn't realise that a goat had sneaked in, so when I went inside for a snack, I cast soul trap soul trap soul trap soul trap-"  
"Alright, alright. Now I have a- wait, _sweetroll fortress_?" He asked, giving Lydia a sympathetic glance which she returned with a sad smile.  
"Yeah! It's big enough for me and my dog, Brambles to stand up in." She gestured to a snarling black dog with huge fangs and claws.  
"Okay. I have a job for you. Cast this spell on the roof of the Hall of Attainment. It will summon an Unbound Dremora, which you may have to defeat a few times before it listens to you. But when it does, ask it to retrieve a Sigil Stone. Once you get it, bring it to me."  
"But-"  
"No buts! Go do it now!" He snapped. Gwen skipped off, Lydia and Brambles reluctantly following.

* * *

Gwen threw a purple orb on the ground and a Dremora clad in black armour faced her, holding a glass greatsword which extracted an "Ooooooh, shiiiiiny!" from Gwen. The Dremora began to speak.  
"You dare summon me!" He shouted.  
"SHUSH AND SUBMIT!" She shouted back and punched his face, searing away some of the flesh on it.  
"OW! Did you dip your hand in poison?" He asked feebly.  
"Yes! I love the way it tickles my fingers!" She removed her gauntlet to reveal a blistered hand oozing with pus. "Can I have a Sigil Stone? And maybe a carrot-flavoured tomato?"  
"Anything! Just don't punch me again." And with that, he disappeared and reappeared holding a dark, pulsing red orb and an orange tomato. "Here you are, Venom-Fist."  
"Oh, please, call me insane. Everybody does!" The Dremora gave her the items and vanished. "I didn't even get the chance to offer him a visit to Blackreach. Rude!" Gwen said sulkily. She looked up to see Lydia standing on the balcony.  
"Lydia, don't play on there! You'll fall off and die in a bloody explosion and we'll have to wash you off the floor! So inconsiderate to the cleaners."  
"That was my plan." Lydia grumbled.

* * *

"PHINIS PHINIS PHINIS PHINIS PHINIS!" Gwen yelled.  
"What now, you insufferable child?"  
"I got a Sigil Stone!" She brought out the stone. "Isn't it preeeeeeeetty?"  
"Yes! Yes! Now let me see it." She handed him the orb. He peered into it, wrote something in a book and handed a spell tome to her and the Stone.  
"That tome is for the Flame Thrall spell, it summons an Atronach that follows you permanently until it dies."  
Gwen gasped. "Stalker!" Phinis carried on.  
"If you place the Stone on the pedestal in the Atronach Forge in the Midden, you will be able to use the forge! I will also sell spells that summon frost, storm and dead thralls."  
"Why wouldn't you want to use this one?" She asked, producing a Sigil Stone painted pink and bearing a drawing.  
"How did you get that?" Phinis asked, wide eyed.  
"Raiding planes of Oblivion is a hobby of mine!"  
"What's that drawing?"  
"Brambles, Lydia and me standing on the bodies of the people we killed that week!" She started pointing to the crudely drawn bodies. "That's Alex, he was sooooo grumpy; that's Bianca, lovely but paranoid, thought I was trying to kill her! And that's Bobby, his eyeballs were delicious, good for the skin you know?" Phinis shook his head in defeat while Gwen, Lydia and Brambles went to the Midden.

Gwen placed a daedra heart, a centurion dynamo core, a black soul gem and her ebony bow in the offering box and pulled the pullbar. A Daedric bow appeared on the dais. She had crafted a Daedric dagger, a Daedric sword, a Daedric battleaxe, two Daedric bows and two full sets of Daedric armour. Gwen and Lydia donned their armour and went up to the Hall of Countenance to enchant their weapons.  
"Lydia, are you going to name your weapons?" Gwen asked. She had enchanted the bow with soul trap and the battleaxe with fire.  
"Well, based upon the enchantments, I guess I'll call the axe Frostbane and the bow Soulsnare. What about you?" Gwen had laid a frost enchantment on her dagger, a shock on her bow and a fire on her sword.  
"I'll call the dagger Cheesebane, because I use daggers to slice cheese. I'll call the sword Lyd - after you Lydia - because it's fast, vicious, and huggable, just like you! And I'll call the bow Kneesmasher, due to how all the guards in Whiterun took an arrow to the knee, thus ending their adventuring career. They seriously need to wear better knee armour!" At first, Lydia gawked, then she started whacking her head on the wall.  
"Lydia, what are you doing?"  
"Hitting my head until the memories are gone or until I'm unconscious, or dead!"  
"You're probably just hungry." Her eyes lit up. "To the Sweetroll Fortress!"

* * *

**A.N: Hope you thought it was hilarious! Bye!**


	2. Short 2

**Bound Until Death By Adz 99**

**_Author's Note: Hi. I'm doing this chapter! Those who know me and have read my work. Hello! Those who don't know me and/or have never read my work; Hi, I'm Adz 99, twin brother of Waddles and fanfic writer! Hope you like this!_**

**_For those of you who have not done the Dark Brotherhood Questline - Bound Until Death is a quest where you have to murder the Emperor's cousin; Vittoria Vici at her wedding. You get a bonus for killing her when she addresses the guests. Enjoy!_**

* * *

Gwen walked into the Sanctuary, leaving Lydia and Brambles outside.  
"Hello Astrid. Delvin sent you a letter. He said he knows you well! Is he your brother? Your nephew? Your ex? Your uncle's, friend's, neighbour's, sister's, cousin's, cat's, micro-pig's, brother's, godfather's, father?" She chirped. Astrid frowned and snatched the letter.  
"Hush child. Your ramblings are pointless and extremely annoying!" Astrid scolded. Gwen's bottom lip stuck out in a pout and her eyes filled up with tears. She got out her dagger, Cheesebane, and sat down. She stabbed it into the floor several times, then stood up and started bawling.  
"Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah! Astwid you big buwwy! I thought we wuz a famiwy! Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!" She sobbed. She then screamed and Astrid ran towards the main room.  
"Don't worry everyone! It's only Gwen, put that axe down Arnbjorn! Veezara, get the earplugs! Babette! Pass me a sweetroll!" Astrid shouted above the noise. She ran back up the stairs and shoved half of a sweetroll into Gwen's mouth, thus silencing her.  
"Fank oo! I wuv oo Athtwid." She said as she chewed the cake. Astrid took a deep breath and spoke again.  
"You are going to a wedding." Astrid told her.  
"Yay! I wonder what I should wear! I'll have to hire Brambles a tuxedo! Lydia will love this! She's so huggable and sweet! Do you think the green dress or the pink one will go better with my hair?" Gwen screamed excitedly. Astrid shook her head.  
"No, your next contract is the bride! Vittoria Vici, the Emperor's cousin. You are to slaughter her secretly and viciously, the more blood the better! You will get an extra large reward if you do it while she addresses her guests on the balcony, as she will surely do that to show off her dress chosen from a vast array of outfits by well-known designers." Astrid explained. Gwen stared at her blankly. "Gwenny kill brideykins Vittoria Vici who Emperor's famiwy. She get brownie points if brideykins die on ledge while talking to peoples." She said in baby speak. Gwen nodded and skipped off into the main room to prepare.  
"Just one last thing Astrid." She said, poking her head back around the corner.  
"What?" Astrid sighed.  
"Green or pink dress?"

* * *

"Hi Gabriella! Wat'cha doin'?" Gwen sang as she skipped into the room where Gabriella could normally be found. She patted Lis on the head and held her hand in the puddle of venom by Lis' legs, shuddering when the venom seeped through her gauntlet.  
"Just a spot of alchemy young one." Gabriella said. Gwen cheered and slapped her hand in the alchemy dish. Soaking it in paralysis poison and splashing some into Festus' eyes.  
"AH! MY EYES! I CAN'T SEE!" He screamed. Gwen stared at him.  
"Festus! What have I said about playing with poison! It's not very clever!" She said, casting Heal Other on him. "Now, I'm going to heal my hand because it's gone limp for some reason, no more poison Festus!" She said, washing the hand that she had dipped in paralysis poison.  
"Gwendolyn, child, I worry about you so much whenever you go out to do a contract. I've decided to help you this time.  
"At the wedding there is a balcony opposite to the ledge where Vittoria will give her speech. I've placed a bow and some arrows there. Please use that, for your safety and that of all Skyrim. PLEASE." Gabriella pleaded. Gwen nodded and skipped away, her hand glowing purple and green.

* * *

"Lydia cheer up! You look soooooooo beautiful! Like a baby Frostbite Spider!" Gwen squealed, twirling her pink dress around. Lydia walked stony-faced. Dragging her blue dress along the ground and trying to harm it as much as possible. Brambles shuffled along, restricted by his full-body tux that Gwen had knitted (She had asked for Gabriella's help but the Dunmer had refused, saying that she didn't really knit and that she despised unicorns; which earned her a slap from Gwen). A woman rushed into Gwen and quickly apologised.  
"It's okay! Why are you rushing?" Gwen asked.  
"Oh, I'm getting married later! Vittoria Vici, pleased to meet you." Vittoria said.  
"Hi I'm Gwen! I'm an assa - hmnhumnh - I mean a... a... a... physical trainer!" Gwen said, smiling. Lydia face-palmed and Brambles whimpered. Vittoria nodded.  
"Must dash. I hope to see you at my wedding!" She said.  
"Don't worry, we'll be there! Hehehehehehe..." Gwen chuckled.  
"What's funny?" Vittoria asked. Gwen looked around.  
"Uh... Um... Lydia's face! It's so squishy and fat! Like a sweetroll!" Gwen answered, squashing Lydia's face into several shapes. Vittoria rushed away. Gwen turned back and noticed she was gone. She frowned and turned back to Lydia.  
"RUDE!"

* * *

"Thank you for coming!" Vittoria said to Gwen, who smiled.  
"It's fine! You look lovely Vittoria! You are a star! A star! Who designed your dress?" Gwen asked.  
"It was a local designer who is called Ar-"  
"CAKE!" Gwen shouted, running towards the buffet. Lydia followed and tapped her on the shoulder.  
"Thane, we need to kill-" Lydia started.  
"Shush and have some cake! It's delicious!" Gwen screamed, shoving a mouthful of sponge into Lydia's open mouth. Brambles licked up some icing off the floor. Gwen ran to her seat as Vittoria and her husband gathered on the balcony.  
"Hush everyone please! Thank you all so much for coming!" Vittoria said.  
"Thane!" Lydia whispered.  
"Shut it Lyd! She making a speech! We love you Vittoria! You're a star!" Gwen cheered.  
"But Gwen!"  
"Lydia this is so rude. You're interrupting her!"  
"THANE!"  
"WHAT!? I'M TRYING TO HEAR HER SPEECH SO SHUSH AND SUBMIT! We love you Vittoria! Have a wonderful life! Oh poo. I need to kill her. Lydia! Why didn't you remind me?" Gwen whispered.  
"I wonder if you can put an assassination contract on yourself." Lydia sighed.

Gwen sneaked away from her seat and started climbing the wall, leading to the ledge Gabriella had described.  
"You! What are you doing?" A guard shouted.  
"It's um... my new fitness programme! _ALL_ the Jarls are doing it! For a copy please see Jarl Balgruuf the Greater! It's called... um... Mountain-Fell-Rock-Skipping! Order this week and you get a free Brambles cuddly toy! Isn't he sweet?" Gwen lied. She gestured to Brambles, who snarled. The guards frowned but left her. She got onto the ledge and picked up the bow. Lydia walked through a door.  
"Mountain-Fell-Rock-Skipping?" She asked "There _was_ a door you know." Gwen stuck out her tongue and pushed Lydia, who fell off the balcony and landed in a plant. She found a potion and stared at it, before pouring it over her feet. Five elven arrows rested in a quiver. She took one and fired. It missed and hit the wall. She took another arrow and shot again. It flew past the balcony and speared a guard in the neck. She ducked down and waited until the commotion stopped. She took another arrow and noticed a hawk flying around.  
"Ooooh. Birdie. DIE!" She said to no one in particular. She shot at the bird and hit it. It spiralled down and hit Lydia on the head, she had just came back onto the ledge and the hawk knocked her off again. Back into the plant. Gwen laughed. She picked up both remaining arrows and fired them together. They missed the bride but hit a gargoyle above her. It dropped and smashed Vittoria's skull. She collapsed over the balcony. Gwen dropped the bow as everyone looked at her.  
"Um... IT WAS HIM!" She screamed, pointing at an old priest. The guards attacked him and she jumped down. Veezara came into sight.  
"Veez! Glad you could come! Isn't it great? Have some cake!" Gwen said. Hugging the tall Argonian. She ran over to Vittoria's body and quickly removed her dress and wreath. She tucked the dress into a sack and slapped the wreath around Brambles' neck. She walked over to the cake and shrugged.  
"Waste not want not." She said as she picked it up and ran.

* * *

"Well done! I heard about Vittoria. Your reward is a unique spell to summon a Spectral Assassin. You also get 1000 gold for doing it when she made her speech. 'IT WAS HIM!' ha! You amuse me Gwendolyn. Blaming it on a priest of Kynareth! Priceless!" Astrid chuckled.  
"It was a lovely ceremony. And her dress really suits me! Her wreath is the perfect collar for Brambles! The cake was great. Do you want some?" Gwen babbled. Astrid shook her head.  
"Go to Gabriella for your next contract. She has... arranged something." Astrid said. Gwen nodded and brought out the bow she had found on the ledge. "Ah Firiniel's End! A fine bow." Astrid acknowledged. Gwen shook her head and snapped it over her knee.  
"It's not as good as Kneesmasher!" She said cheerily.

* * *

She walked out of the Sanctuary and onto the road to find Lydia talking with Jarl Balgruuf, who was visiting his mother in Falkreath.  
"Gwen! How are you doing these days?" He asked, his Nordic accent thick.  
"Just great! Now Balgruuf, you know that favour you owe me for rescuing your cousin from a herd of angry kittens?" Gwen asked.  
"No." Balgruuf said, confused.  
"Great! You do! Now would you please hand these out for me?" She said handing him several sheets of paper and many small cuddly toys in the shape of a dog.  
"What is this?" Balgruuf asked. Gwen smiled.  
"My fitness programme!" Lydia groaned and Brambles howled as Gwen spoke.  
"Mountain-Fell-Rock-Skipping!"

* * *

_**A.N: Hope you liked it! Please review! Bye!**_

_**Adz 99**_


	3. Short 3

**Diplomatic Immunity by WaddlesThePenguin**

**Author's Note: Hi fic readers! I hoped you liked the previous chapter by Adz 99. I tried to review it but it didn't work for some weird reason so I'll just review here: Really funny, I love how Gwen got absorbed in the wedding. I'm glad I'm working with you and the other two authors.**

**Ok, this quest is one of the main storyline quests. You go disguised as a guest at a Thalmor party, infiltrate the ambassador's study and gather information on the dragons. You also discover that an old member of the Blades, Esbern, is hiding out in Riften. Hope that covered enough ground for you, enjoy!**

* * *

Gwen entered the Sleeping Giant Inn in Riverwood and entered what she knew was Delphine's room, closing the door. Lydia and Brambles stood back while Gwen opened the false back panel in Delphine's wardrobe.  
"I like using this back panel as an entrance to a secret base." She babbled. "It makes me feel like a secret agent for a mystery organisation working for the greater good of Tamriel."  
"But Thane, you _are _a secret agent for a mystery organisation working for the greater good of Tamriel." Lydia pointed out.  
"SHHHHH! It's a secreeeeet!" Gwen whispered. They walked down the stairs into a small room containing assorted weaponry and alchemy components. At the far end of the table in the middle stood Delphine, dressed in her usual leather armour. A katana-like sword hung at her waist and a determined expression governed her face. Her arms were crossed.  
"You're late." She grumbled.  
"Sorry, we had to rescue a kitten from a cushion. Pretty rude kitten though, it scratched me!" She held up her arm but the skin was unblemished.  
"Where?"  
"On my face! I healed it though." Delphine shook her head in disbelief, a habit that many who spent time with Gwen had acquired.  
"Okay, I suppose you're wondering why I called you here." The Breton began  
"I was actually wondering why glass weapons don't smash, but go on." Gwen replied. Delphine sighed and carried on.  
"I think the Thalmor might have some information about the dragons returning. The ambassador, Elenwen, is holding a party at the Embassy. This is a perfect opportunity to find evidence. I'll arrange for you and Lydia to be invited. I'll also get an accomplice of mine to smuggle some things in. His name is Malborn, a Wood Elf. He'll be at the Winking Skeever in Solitude, meet him and give him everything you'll need in the Embassy. Then meet up with me at Katla's Farm. I'll hold onto everything else. Got it?"  
"Yup! Oh, this is sooooo exciting! I'll wear my white dress! Or my purple one! Or my green one! Lyd! You can borrow one of mine!" Gwen chirped.  
"Yippee." Lydia said sarcastically.  
"One more thing." Delphine said.  
"Sure!" Gwen replied.  
"I'll have to watch Brambles."  
"What?"  
"It's the only way, the Thalmor won't let you bring animals."  
"Pleasey weasey?"  
"No." Gwen's lip started to quiver and she began whimpering. Then she burst into a loud fit of tears, nearly choking Brambles in a 'hug'.  
"WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! BUT BWAMBUWS! I WUV WOO!" Upstairs Lydia was explaining to everyone that Gwen had discovered that her mother, who she had nicknamed Brambles, was very ill in a desperate bid to keep the secret room hidden.  
"It's Ok, Gwen." Delphine said, almost desperately. "Brambles is gonna have lots of fun with the kids in Riverwood and when you get back he'll be all cute and dirty and fuzzy and happy to see you. I promise. Gwen sniffed, nodded and hugged Brambles.  
"Bye, Brambles. Have fun with the kids and _don't chew on their feet_. Love you!" Brambles barked cheerfully in reply and went to sit patiently outside the inn and wait for the kids. Meanwhile, Gwen and Lydia got their dresses and set out for Solitude.

* * *

"Hi! You must be Malborn! I'm Gwen and this is Lydia! We normally have a dog called Brambles with us but he can't come to the party. Doesn't Lydia's face look like a sweetroll? Aren't these dresses pretty? The white one's mine and so is the purple but Lydia's borrowing it. By the way, Delphine sent us. Do you think she's grumpy?" Gwen said quickly to the Bosmer man in the inn. He just chuckled and greeted them in turn. Then his face turned serious.  
"Alright, here's the plan: you two give me whatever you'll need in the Embassy and I'll get it in for you. Deal?" They agreed and handed him their armour, weapons, magical staves, lockpicks and some various potions and poisons. They then put on their dresses and enchanted jewellery (which they could take as it was allowed) and went to meet Delphine.

* * *

"Are you sure you gave Malborn everything you needed?" Delphine asked Gwen.  
"Yuh-huh! Now, here's everything we don't need but insist on carrying around because we're stupid!" Gwen replied, handing her a sack of items. The two got on the carriage ordered for them and set off for the Embassy.

* * *

"Welcome to the Thalmor Embassy!" A miserable-faced High Elf in Thalmor robes said to Lydia and Gwen. "Allow me to introduce myself. My name is Elenwen. And you are?"  
"Gwen and Lydia. Nice to meet you! Oh! Malborn! Fancy seeing you here!"  
"Oh! You know Malborn? Anyways, enjoy the party." And with that, she walked off. Gwen decided to meet everyone there and started with a Redguard who was staring into his cup, four more were messily arranged beside him - he was already drunk. Gwen started shaking his hand vigorously.  
"Hi, I'm Gwen! Nice to meet you! I love parties, don't you?-" Gwen continued asking him questions incessantly without giving time for him to reply and all the while still shaking his hand.  
"Stop! I'm gonna-" He protested, but Gwen didn't hear and carried on.  
"-Anyway, it was nice to meet you! Bye!" She breezed off and Lydia reluctantly followed. Elenwen walked past the Redguard and he threw up on her shoes due to Gwen shaking his arm too much and making his body wobble. Guards approached him, swords drawn, and Lydia took the chance to drag Gwen to where Malborn was waiting for them to cause a distraction. They slipped through a door behind the bar and into the kitchen, where Malborn blackmailed the chef into keeping their trespassing a secret. He led them to a room and told them that their gear was in the chest within the room.  
"I'll lock the door behind you. Go!" He told them. They did as he instructed and went through the door. Gwen pouted and Lydia sighed.  
"What?"  
"I never got to try the cake."  
"I'll buy you a cake when we get back to Riverwood."  
"Alright. Now, let's kill everyone who stands between us and the evidence that may or may not exist!" They started down the corridor.

* * *

"Please, don't torture me any more." A man trapped by shackles said weakly to Gwen. They had found him in a cage in the torture chamber. "I've already told you everything I know about this Esbern fellow. He's hiding out in Riften. Now please... let me go."  
"Ok!" Gwen chirped. "By the way, I'm not a Thalmor." She opened his shackles and they made for a trapdoor which was locked by a key. Then, a Thalmor soldier's voice boomed throughout the torture room.  
"Your ruse is up, spy. We have Malborn already captured. Submit or face the wrath of our fu-" An arrow in his neck silenced him as well as the other guard. Malborn picked a key of the guard and ran up to them.  
"Thanks. This trapdoor leads out, but there could be anything in between us and the exit." The four entered the trapdoor and came upon a frost troll which Gwen silenced with incinerate. She inspected where the troll had been and found a mage's corpse along with a small pink gem in a golden case.  
"Oooooooh, shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiny!" Squealed Gwen. She picked it up and they left the cave.

Outside, they parted with the torture victim and Malborn and headed for Riverwood.

* * *

"Esbern? He's alive? I thought the Thalmor got him years ago! And hiding out in Riften, clever! I need you to find him. Talk to Brynjolf, he's well-connected." Delphine told Gwen. Gwen nodded and once again kissed Brambles' head.  
"Ok! Just one thing..." Gwen said.  
"Yes?"  
"When's the next party?"

Lydia screamed in frustration.

* * *

**Author's Note: Teehee. Hope it was funny! Bye!**


	4. Short 4

**Well hey there guys! CompanionWolf here! I had so much fun messing with Gwen XD And now... She's gonna do the quest that we ****_totally_****didn't expect from me; Take Up Arms! The first Companions quest! Totally not normal for ****_Companion_****Wolf! Now I present to you Gwen being crazy, Lydia freaking out about her, Brambles being Brambles and Vilkas (*swoon* :P) being weirded out by Gwen's weirdness!**

**Take up Arms ~ The Companions**

"COME LYDIA! TO AN EPIC QUEST OF- OOH! A boat!"

Lydia chased after her insane Thane shrieking. "NO! THAT'S NOT A BOAT!"

Gwen marched up to the structure and examined it. "Do you think they use it to sail across the skies? Ooh! No! Maybe it's used as... A land-boat!"

Lydia sighed and rolled her eyes. "No, Gwen, it's-"

"A land-boat! I knew it! Oh by the Divines I crave for a meeting with the captain of the land-boat!"

With that, Gwen dashed off and charged into the hall. "Wait! That's-" _SLAM! _"Where the Companions live..." Lydia trailed off.

She knew that she had no choice but to follow Gwen. "I don't know how on Nirn they will react when she charges in shrieking about some land-boat. This is Jorrvaskr, for Akatosh's sake..."

* * *

"Are you the first mate?"

Skjor regarded the wild eyed little Imperial with a look of complete confusion. "What?" He asked.

The Imperial's eyes darted everywhere, she was like a little girl who had eaten far too many sweets. "Where does the land-boat go on it's epic voyages? Who's the captain?"

Lydia pushed Gwen away, trying to shush her. "I'm so sorry! She's a little... Insane..."

"LYDIA! DO NOT INTERRUPT MY CONVERSATION WITH THE FIRST MATE OF THE LAND-BOAT!"

The housecarl raised her hands in defense and walked away slowly. "Who's the captain?" Gwen asked immediately.

"Hmm... Though you don't have much of a mind, you do have energy... Could be useful for the Companions, head down to the living quarters and go all the way down to the end to meet with Kodlak."

"Is he the captain?"

Skjor tried to answer with the best of his ability. "Well, Not really-"

"GREAT! I shall speak to him at once! COME LYDIA!"

Skjor sighed in relief, finally free of the incessant ramblings of the mad woman. "Land-boat..." He sniggered. "What is up with that Imperial's mind..."

* * *

"Where is your captain!" Gwen yelled as she kicked open the doors at the very end of the the living quarters.

"Gwen! Behave yourself a little! You're in the presence of Kodlak Whitemane."

"The captain of the land-boat? Excellent!"

She marched right into the room and spotted two people staring at her with high curiosity. One was an old man, and the other was younger with dark hair and silver eyes, regarding her with disgust. "A traveller approaches, what brings you?"

"Are you the captain of the land-boat, awesome! I'm Gwen, pleased to meet you. You're name is... Ah! What a wonderful name! Can I join your crew of awesome land-boat sailors?"

Kodlak was completely taken aback. He'd seen some rather insane people in his long lifetime, but none as completely out of it as this girl. "Well... You do have a certain energy and eagerness. As well as strength in spirit..."

_BANG! _The other man slammed a tankard down against the table, causing everyone to jump. "You cannot possibly consider letting this lunatic join! She's an outsider, and I've never even heard of her before!"

Gwen's grin soon became a a frown. "My mother told me I... I could be anything I wanted... I always wanted to be a... a-a-a land-boat sailor..."

Soon, she was in tears and screaming. Lydia sighed and desperately attempted to calm Gwen down, but the Imperial refused to listen to anything anyone was saying. "Please, my Thane. You have to-"

"BUT I WANTED TO BE A LAND-BOAT SAILOR!" Gwen wailed.

"Fine! Vilkas will test you in the training yard! If you defeat him, you'll be a 'land-boat sailor'!"

The younger man, who was probably Vilkas, gave Kodlak a look of shock and horror. "What?! But..."

Kodlak sighed and leaned closer. "Just make sure that she isn't screaming in my study again, please do this for an old man."

Vilkas let out a soft growl of annoyance and deepened his scowl. "Okay, fine."

* * *

"This is gonna be great! I'm gonna be a land-boat sailor and- OH MY GOSH BRAMBLES YOU'RE ALIVE!"

Gwen squeezed Brambles as he ran up to her. "Where did he go anyway?" Lydia asked.

"Oh, I buried him under all of my cheese wedges which I found! He wouldn't respond to my desperate cries of love, and now he's back!"

Brambles proceeded to vigorously sniff Gwen with high interest. "Bram-BRAMBLES THAT TICKLES!" Gwen shrieked as her dog shoved his nose lightly under the plating of the armor she wore.

Lydia shoved the dog away and cleared her throat. "Gwen, the... Um... Land-boat sailor is waiting for you..."

Gwen immediately jumped up and skipped over to where Vilkas was waiting impatiently. "Let's see if you're any good with a blade, eh?" With that, he unsheathed a gleaming steel sword.

Lydia was about to walk over to join Gwen, but Vilkas shot her a look. "This is her trial. Not yours. Kodlak didn't say you could join."

Lydia was slightly worried about her Thane, but said nothing. She slowly walked away and watched from a distance. Gwen enthusiastically unsheathed her daedric sword, Lyd, and began to advance. "STOP! Magic isn't allowed, you can't hide beneath your fancy spells and enchantments if you want to be a real warrior."

Gwen frowned and stared at her sword, but she soon reluctantly sheathed it and brought out her dagger, Cheesebane. "You can't use that either." Vilkas said as he spotted the frost creeping up the blade.

Gwen looked around, not really sure what else to use. Then she threw down her blade and raised her fists with a huge, and slightly psychotic, grin. Vilkas didn't know whether to laugh or order her to find an actual weapon. "I can fight with my hands then!" Gwen chirped happily.

Vilkas was about to say something when Gwen dashed forward and slapped him hard against the cheek. He let out a cry of pain. "What in Oblivion!? I didn't even say-"

"Does the poison tickle you as well? Oh my! We have something in common!"

Vilkas had half a mind to order her to fight him again. But judging by how completely insane she was, he wasn't sure what she would do next or when she would lash out. Besides, it wasn't just anyone who carried a daedric sword. Only the strongest did! "Fine... You can be part of the-"

"YAY! LYDIA! YOU HEAR THAT? I CAN SAIL ACROSS SKYRIM AND BE THE GREATEST LAND-PIRATE!"

"I thought-"

"HUSH NOW LYDIA! WE MUST CELEBRATE! Maybe we can have that funny drink that everyone's drinking now... The one that makes me feel fuzzy and dizzy! Yes that stuff!"

Lydia sighed and was forced to run after her Thane. _Oh I hope she doesn't become too drunk!_

She turned back to Vilkas and flashed him an apologetic smile. "Sorry about her, Sheogorath's addled with her brain!" She called over her shoulder.

"I'M NOT CRAZY!" Gwen shrieked in reply.

**I'm nowhere near as funny as Waddles or Adz, but I tried my best :3 Please review and check out all the other amazing authors involved in this collab!**


	5. Short 5

**Dragonslayer by Adz99**

* * *

**_A.N:_**** Hi! Adz 99 here. This is a Short on "Dragonslayer". The final quest. You've been to the Hall of Valor and talked to the heroes. You are about to slay Alduin. But Gwen in her usual fashion, is not simply trying to slay Alduin the normal way, no. She will be doing it her way. Enjoy!**

* * *

Gwen was charging after Gormlaith when she spotted someone in the corner of the hall. Her jaw dropped, her eyes widened and her legs buckled. She slapped herself across the face and looked at her sword and muttered "I am a _Land-Boat Sailor"_** (A.N: Thanks CompanionWolf - hope you don't mind)** She wobbled over to the ancient nord whom she had blatantly ignored when she had first came in (she had been too busy staring at the 'shiny-shinies' AKA golden goblets).

"E-excuse m-me s-sir." She mumbled. Ysgramor turned around and stared down at her.

"Yes Dovahkiin? What troubles you child?" He said with a chuckle.

"W-well are you the oldest, greatest L-Land-Boat Sailor ever?" Gwen whispered.

"Um... No, I don't think so. My name is Ysgramor, the first one to be called 'Companion'." Ysgramor said. Gwen toppled over. "Dragonborn! What is wrong?" He asked. Gwen jumped to her feet.

"Nothing, I just never thought that I'd meet you great Land-Boat-Master-Awesomeness-Honoured-Princess-Ove rlord." She stuttered, bowing. "Princess?"

"It's an Altmer thing."

"But you are an Imperial."

"You're so CRUEL to me! And after I washed your bonfire too!" Gwen screamed. She pointed to the newly extinguished bonfire, six mages were trying to re-light it. Gwen stormed out. Ysgramor turned to Jurgen Windcaller. "What?"

* * *

"To battle!" Gwen screeched. She looked at Gormlaith and Hakon who were sitting on a rock while Felldir paced back and forward. "Get up! We'll never defeat Alduin if you three keep dawdling! Honestly, Ancient Nord Ghosts, they're worse than apples..." Gormlaith jumped up and Felldir pulled Hakon up.

"All together, Clear Skies." Felldir boomed.

"LOK... VAH KOOR!" They shouted. The mist dispersed. Alduin's voice echoed through Sovngarde

"VEN... MU RIIK!" The mist re-appeared.

"Again!"

"LOK... VAH KOOR!"

"FUS... RO DAH!" Gwen shouted. They all looked at her. "Oh sorry. Wrong shout... Wait for it... Oh yeah Clear Skies that was it - LOK... VAH KOOR!" The last of the mist went away and once again Alduin shouted.

"_VEN... MU RIIK!_" The mist came back.

"One final time -"

"_**LOK... VAH KOOR!**_" Alduin soared from the sky and hovered in front of Gwen.

"Today your reign of destruction, cruelty and unkindness to cheese is over Alduin! I, Gwendolyn Lucy Olga Vilod Penelope Gertrude George Allyson..."

* * *

_**5 minutes later**_

* * *

"... Mable Gretel Guinivere Snow-Born will kill you in the name of goodness, light... And cake. Attaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaack!" Hakon woke up and grabbed his sword. Gormlaith took out her wax earplugs and attacked while Felldir put the potion he had finished making in the pocket of his robe and followed suit.

"You're grounded! Literally! JOOR... ZAH FRUUL!" Gwen shouted. Forcing Alduin to land. She threw up a Greater Ward against his flames and slashed him across the mouth with her sword, Lyd. She grabbed her dagger Cheesebane and jumped over his tail, again using the Dragonrend shout to keep him mortal and grounded. She stabbed holes in his great wings and jumped on his back as he took off. She grabbed hold of Alduin's horns, sent a gout of flames into his eyes and a Fireball up his nose which exploded inside his head, throwing Gwen off.

"FIEM!" She shouted, using only the first word of Become Etheral to conserve power. She landed and rolled, casting Ebonyflesh and pulling out her bow, Kneesmasher. She shot at Alduin until he came in for another attack.

"JOOR... ZAH FRUUL!" She shouted, turning invisible as he landed, leaving a Flame Thrall where she had stood. Alduin looked about, snapping at Hakon and Felldir. Gwen re-appeared on his head, twisting blue energy in her hands.

"Get back!" She shouted as she slammed her hands down on Alduin's skull, smashing it and releasing a storm of ice. Alduin shook his head as Gwen jumped off his back and watched him crumble. She drank a home-made healing potion and turned away as Alduin disappeared forever.

"That's what I call a brain-freeze!" Gwen laughed. She turned around to see Tsun looking down on her.

"Oh hey big guy! What you been doing lately? Made a cake? Adopted a stray frostbite spider? Created a secret organisation for Giant Gods that guard The Hall of Valor? I wanna join!" She said excitedly.

"Well done Dragonborn, would you like to return to Nirn? I will also grant you a boon to summon a hero from Sovngarde." Tsun asked. Gwen nodded.

"Bye everyone! Tell Ysgramor that the cat ate his slippers!" Gwen cheered, waving.

"Naal... Daal Vus!" Tsun shouted. The three words of Call of Valor echoed through her head as she returned to Nirn.

* * *

Dragons roared all around her. She was at the Throat of the World. Parthurnaax sat on a rock nearby.

"Alduin is no more! Dovahkiin has slain him in his own dark lair! Do Vah Kiin!" Parthurnaax announced. The dragons roared again and took off. Gwen looked at them flying away and spun around until she got dizzy and fell over.

"Why do you act so Dragonborn?" Odhaviing asked, landing beside her.

"It was a pretty, sparkly, magical moment with the snow and the dragons flying so I spun round and round and round and round... All I needed was a pretty dress!" Gwen giggled. Odhaviing chuckled.

"Well, that makes some sense, I no longer feel shame in losing to you, as you defeated Alduin, my superior. Call me whenever you need help and I will come when I can." He said, before flying away. Parthurnaax settled beside her.

"Well done Dovahkiin. You have come far. What do you plan to do now?" He rumbled, Gwen thought for a moment before answering. "I'm going to join the Secret Organisation for Giant Gods that Guard the Hall of Valor!"

**_A.N: _****Thanks! Comment, favourite and follow.**

**Ps: Check out Multiple Strengths and Atronach - my Skyrim fics. :D**

**_Adz 99_**


	6. Short 6

**Joining the Legion by WaddlesThePenguin**

* * *

**A.N: Hi everyone! This quest is how you join the Imperial Legion, a nice change for me because even though I'm on the Imperial side, all my Skyrim fics that will involve the civil war are Stormcloak versions (don't ask why). Although I might do a fic about my character, a Redguard Spellsword. I wish I could change his name to something like my name but Skyrimmier, but I was boring and used my normal name. Anyways, to join the Legion you need to go to Solitude and ask Tullius to join. He will direct you to Legate Rikke who will tell you to clear out Fort Hraggstad. Then you take the Oath and you are part of the Legion.**

**Enjoy!**

* * *

When Gwen, Brambles and Lydia entered Solitude, there was an execution going on.  
"Get on with it!" A man shouted.  
"You betrayed us!" A woman yelled.  
"The cheese rules us all!" Gwen cheered. Everyone stared at her.  
"Gwen, this is an execution!" Lydia whispered sternly.  
"Why are they killing him?" She whispered back.  
"Watch and we'll see."  
"What if he's innocent?"  
"Then... we try and save him."  
"Can't you do that? I'm pretty tired."  
"Roggvir!" The captain of the guard said. "You opened the gate for Ulfric Stormcloak when he murdered High King Torygg, thus letting him escape. You are guilty of treason!"  
"Boooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo oooooooooooooooo!" Gwen yelled. Lydia deliberated on whether to kick her Thane in the shins, or to make out she didn't know her. She chose the latter and walked a few steps away from Gwen. They watched as the axe came down, and Roggvir's head rolled off the block. The crowd separated and Lydia walked back to Gwen.

"So, what did you want us to do here?" Lydia asked.  
"I want to join the Legion! I will make my descendants proud!"  
"Don't you mean ancestors?"  
"No."  
"But your descendants haven't been born yet."  
"SHUT UP IT JUSTS MAKES SENSE OKAY?!" Gwen yelled. Lydia, extremely afraid at that moment, held her arms up in defeat. They made their way to Castle Dour.

**(Tullius' P.O.V)**

A young Imperial woman - well, you could call her a girl, she only looked 17 - in a full set of Daedric armour walked into the room where Tullius and Legate Rikke were standing over the war table, helmet under her arm. There was a Daedric sword at her waist. She had long, chestnut brown hair and green eyes. She wore a childish grin. An older, more sane-looking Nord woman with short brown hair followed her, also in Daedric armour with her helmet under her arm. She had a Daedric battleaxe on her back. A snarling black dog followed them.  
"Yes, what is it?" He asked curtly. He didn't mean to sound snappy, but he was tired of merchants and the like giving him ridiculous offers. The girl was not put off, however.  
"Hi! I'm Gwendolyn Lucy Olga Vilo-" The Nord put her hand over the girl's mouth before she could carry on.  
"She's Gwen, Sir. I am Lydia, her housecarl. This is our dog, Brambles."  
"Hey, I wanted to introduce Brambles!" Gwen said sulkily. Then she turned back to Tullius. "Anyways, can I join the Legion?"  
Tullius sighed. "Well, you do seem to be full of energy. And not everyone wears Daedric armour. What are your strengths?"  
"Everything except two-handed weapons, light armour and knitting with intestines. I'm also a member of the College of Winterhold, a Land-Boat Sailor - but everyone calls us Companions for some reason - and an assassassassa..." She trailed off.  
"Okay, go talk to my second-in-command, Legate Rikke. She'll test your mettle." Gwen skipped off to Rikke and Tullius made a silent prayer to the Eight Divines that he wouldn't go insane if she joined. Lydia approached him.  
"Praying?"  
"How did you guess?"  
"I have to accompany her everywhere she goes. It eventually becomes a constant thought in your head."  
"I'm so sorry for you." The General said sympathetically.  
"Everyone is." She said, shrugging and walked off.

**(Gwen's P.O.V)**

Gwen approached a Nord woman in full Imperial heavy armour.  
"Hi! I'm Gwen! Tullius told me to ask you to give me a test so I can join the Legion. Go on then, what is it? Do you like my armour? Can we be best friends and have slumber parties in the middle of the day? Does Tullius look reeeeeeaaaaaaalllly old to you? Can -"  
"Hush! We need serious men an women, not foolish children!" Rikke scolded. Gwen's eyes filled with tears and her lower lip trembled. Lydia's eyes widened in fear and Brambles whimpered.  
"B-b-b-but, I-I w-want to join the _Legion_! It's my day-long dream! WAAAAAAAAAAAH!" Gwen wailed, sitting on the floor.  
"Talos preserve us." Rikke muttered under her breath and pulled Gwen up. "If I give you a test will you stop crying?"  
Gwen's face brightened. "Okay!"  
"Go to Fort Hraggstad and clear it out of bandits." Rikke pointed to a flag on the map marking a fort.  
"Okay, bye!" Gwen skipped off, her housecarl and her dog reluctantly trailing behind.

* * *

Gwen approached the Fort. Bandits were on the high walls patrolling. One spotted Gwen and five came charging. She sent thunder bolts at two of them, shot one in the neck and severed the heads of the other two with her sword. She carried on into the Fort and wiped out all the bandits in the courtyard. She told Lydia and Brambles to clear the dungeons while she went into the main building.

She approached a bandit from behind and stabbed him in the back with Cheesebane. He fell to the floor and Gwen mutilated the other bandit before she could yell for backup. She searched around and only found the chief, which she punched with a poison-covered fist, killing him. She went back outside to see Lydia using her axe to behead an extra bandit.  
"I won!" Gwen chirped.  
"Huh?"  
"I killed all my bandits first! I won! Now I'll take that 100 gold we discussed earlier."  
"But we didn't-"  
"Lydia! Backing out of a dare?! That is so SHAMEFUL! Your parents would_ not_ be proud."  
"My parents think I waste my life as your housecarl!"  
"Oh. Umm... awkwaaaaaard. I still want my money though."  
Lydia grumbled, drew a 100 on a pebble with some blood on her arm and handed it to Gwen.  
"Thank _you_!" Gwen replied.  
"You were right, Mother. Why did I ignore you?" Lydia said, facing south-east in the direction of Whiterun. They walked back to Castle Dour.

* * *

"I did it!" Gwen said to Rikke.  
"I know, considering you came back alive with a huge grin on your face." Rikke replied tiredly. "Go and see General Tullius to take the Oath."  
"Does Brambles have to say it?"  
"No."  
"Good because he can't talk." Gwen skipped over to Tullius.  
"Repeat after me. Upon my honour I do swear undying loyalty to the Emperor, and unwavering obedience to the officers of his great Empire. May those above judge me, and those below take me, if I fail in my duty. Long live the Emperor! Long live the Empire!" Tullius said. Gwen and Lydia repeated the Oath. "Congratulations, Gwen and Lydia. You are now auxiliaries. Go see Beirand for your armour, that is, if you want it. Welcome to the Legion."  
"Yay! No, we don't need armour. We have much better armour! I can't wait to tell the Land-Boat Sailors! And Urag! He's so grumpy!" Gwen cheered, skipping outside. Lydia handed Rikke and Tullius each a purple amulet with three facial expressions displayed on it and something decorated to look like cheese in the middle.

"What are these?" Tullius asked her.  
"Amulets of Sheogorath. I asked the court-wizard of Whiterun to make some. They protect you from Gwen's madness and keep you sane." Lydia turned away and General Tullius prepared himself to defy the Thalmor with a short phrase.  
"Lydia?"  
"Yes?"  
"Talos guide you."

* * *

**A.N: Hope that was funny! By the way, did you know Legate Rikke worships Talos even though it is outlawed by the Thalmor? Ok, see you next time, please review!**

**PS: Please check out my other Skyrim fics, Tales of the Dead, Thieves with Honour and The Fire In My Hands!**


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